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For Lexophiles
FOR LEXOPHILES (a person that plays with words, or messes with common phrases)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a threeyearold was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U .C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky Ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will, is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count
that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Uses for Bounce
Uses For Bounce Fabric Softener *Repel mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
*Eliminate static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling. (This should also work with a computer screen!)
*Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.
*Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a
drawer or hang one in the closet.
*Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of
Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.
*Eliminate static cling from pantyhose. Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
*Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
*Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
*Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
*Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
*Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
*Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
*Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sandpapering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
*Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
*Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they’ll smell great in the morning.
Keep On Singing
Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They found out that the new baby was going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in Mommy’s tummy. He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her. The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown, Tennessee. In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes .. every three…. every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?
Finally, after a long struggle, Michael’s littlesister was born. But she was in very serious condition. With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary’s Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee.
The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatrician had to tell the parents, “There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst.” Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral. Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister. “I want to sing to her,” he kept saying. Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over.
Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. Karen made up her mind, though. She would take Michael whether they liked it or not! If he didn’t see his sister right then, he may never see her alive. She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket. But he head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed, “Get that kid out of here now! No children are allowed. The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse’s face, her lips a firm line. “He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!”
Karen towed Michael to his sister’s bedside. He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. After a moment, he began to sing. In the pure- hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray —”Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond. The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady. “Keep on singing, Michael,” encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes. “You never know, dear, how much I love you, Please don’t take my sunshine away-” As Michael sang to his sister, the baby’s ragged, strained breathing became as smooth as a kitten’s purr. “Keep on singing, sweetheart!!!” “The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms…” Michael’s little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her. “Keep on singing, Michael.”
Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glowed. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don’t, take my sunshine away…” The next day…the very next day…the little girl was well enough to go home! Woman’s Day Magazine called it “The Miracle of a Brother’s Song.” The medical staff just called it a miracle. Karen called it a miracle love!