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Signs Found In Kitchens
Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house…but please don’t write in it!
Apology…Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to
lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.
I’d live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.
Pearly Gates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly
gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it
into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When
you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”
“One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is
by the grace of God!”
“Come on in!”
Lie, The
by ROGER ROTVOLD on Nov. 10, 1999
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a
group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12
years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest
the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, “What
are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can
take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us
can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys
shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and
ending with , “Why when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the
reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them,
the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give
him the dog.”