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What is a Latter-day Saint?
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a wife who spends all afternoon baking lasagna and whipping up a cake and then takes her family to the Church bazaar, where her good husband pays a dine-a-scoop for the lasagna and buys back the cake from the country store.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a person with six sacks of wheat in his garage and a supermarket across the street.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT bishop is a man who holds down a full-time job in a lumber mill to support his family, pays tithing, fast offerings, budget, building fund, and missionary fund and then smiles when a stranger asks him how much he averages per annum from his congregation.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a woman who “never gets her ironing done” because Relief Society is on Tuesday.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a child who prays but does not expect miracles; he takes them for granted.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a man who orders milk and smiles when the waitress confesses that she has an ulcer, too.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a Doctor of Philosophy who listens as his fourteen-year-old companion gives a ward teaching lesson to a ward family.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a two-year-old who sings at the top of her voice during the Sacrament hymn and gets smiles from the chorister.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT MIA superintendent is a man who calls a 6:45 meeting to prepare for the 7 o’clock meeting which prepares for the 7:15 meeting in which plans for the 7:30 meeting (which is MIA) are made.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is a young teen who has a math test on Wednesday and brings his sociology book to MIA on Tuesday night.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is an elderly woman who neither sees nor hears well but sits quietly in Church basking in the Spirit as friendly arms go around her and loved ones take her hand.
A LATTER-DAY SAINT is Me, because I could never be anything else. —Joane Franklin
13 Articles of Funny Faith
13 Articles of Funny Faith
We believe in Aunt Clara, the eternal pursuer of our genealogy, in the tradition that allows us to “let Aunt Clara do it” and in her persistence in supplying us with xerox copies of all her work.
We believe that man will be excused from their own genealogy, if they are earning a living, or are just too busy. We hope that through the temple attendance of others, all mankind may be saved.
We believe that the first principles of genealogy work are: first, faith that someone else will do it; second, repentence through maintained ignorance; third, baptism by immersion and in so many other things that we don’t have time to do anything; fourth, the laying on of excuses for the gift of self-justification.
We believe that a man must be born a genealogist, or he will never have the ability to perform the functions of record-keeping, or any research thereof.
We believe in following the same organization that existed before the correlation program; namely, don’t try to improve the system, don’t take any training courses, don’t form a family organization, etc.
We believe in the gift of time — time for TV, time for clubs, time for movies, etc.
We believe the handbook of genealogy and temple work to be the work of the Church as far as it is translated correctly. We also have our doubts about the genealogy lesson manuals.
We believe nothing that the ward committees for genealogy has revealed and we doubt that it will yet reveal any great or important things that we do not already know.
We believe in the literal gathering of names out of library books only, and that pedigrees can be built upon this theoretical foundation that all our pedigree sheets will be renewed automatically to paradisiacal correctness.
We claim the privelege of interpreting all family traditions and printed histories to suit our own convenience, and we allow all men the same privelege…let them assume who, where or what they may.
We believe in being subject to discouragement, lack of confidence, and busy schedules and ignoring, resisting or withstanding the law.
We believe in being lazy, and in not supporting genealogy work (which would result in good to all men), indeed we may say that we follow the lines of least resistance; we hope all things, but we do nothing, we have not endured anything and we do not expect to be able to endure anything; if there is any approved way to get out of these responsibilities, we seek after these things.
Call From God, A
One day God called the Pope, and he said “John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion”.
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked “What’s the bad news?”. God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.